No More Yelling!!!!!!

I've noticed something lately...I am a yeller.  Ok, maybe it's not a recent development but I'm just now verbalizing it for the world to see (and by "world" I mean the 3 people that will actually take the time to read this).  I come from a long line of yellers. So, I'm totally gonna play the "I don't know any better" card. Sorry, mom, it's all your fault.  You made me this way.  Of all the things you could have passed down, that's what I got.  I've always wanted to learn to sew but you couldn't ever teach me without yelling at me.  I still flinch any time I see a tomato pin cushion. So, thanks for that.

Ok, now I've gotten that off my chest maybe I can move forward.  My mom is actually an amazing woman. I'll just blame her temper on her hair.  You crazy red heads and your tempers.  

I actually remember saying as a kid "I'm never gonna yell at my kids. Ever." And I meant it too! I'm typically a quiet person, well, compared to the rest of my family I am the quiet one, so I never handled yelling well.  It traumatized me. It made me clam up and get angry. Whether it was my parents, sister (she's a crazy red head too), or a coach, once the voice got loud, my ears clicked off and I would stand there stoic and angry.  The older I got, the more I was determined to NEVER raise my voice to my children.  

Fast forward almost 10 years and 5 kids later and I am a yelling fool! It's amazing how my children have stirred up emotions I never even knew existed. I can go from loving the heck out of them to screaming like a wacko in about 3 seconds.  It's insane what a stray sock can do to me after I've just started a load of laundry, or how the 5 simple words "I didn't get that out" turn me into the hulk.  Now, before you think I'm a terrible person, let me say that most of the time (but not all the time...because I'm prideful and sometimes I have to stand my ground and let them know they really ticked me off..I'm working on it though) I have to go back and apologize for my irrational behavior. Here lately I have even noticed that when I start to get loud my brain stops working and it sounds something like this "Judd Emmy Nolan Whoever your are! Stinking pick up the sticking hanger shorts ahhhh stupid thing I'm pointing at and put it away!! Yeah, I know it's a shoe. Don't correct me.  Just get it and put it up before I throw out in the yard." 

It's in those moments I am slapped in the face with how utterly ridiculous I sound.  And so very contradictory.  I spend every morning reading to my kids about the mercy, grace, kindness, and love of God then I go off on some idiotic rant and completely ruin the time I spent with them in the Word.  I am in no way showing them Jesus when I start throwing backpacks out the door in order to get them to the car for school.  (And no I haven't actually done that, but that's only because it never occurred to me until now.) The most important things in life are being overlooked because mommy is a nut job and that stops NOW! 

I am committing today to stop the yelling.  I will not raise my voice.  I will breath. I will put my face in a pillow. I will lock myself in a closet.  I will leave myself notes if necessary.  I will do whatever it takes to break this terrible habit.  I will not rely on my strength. Been there, done that, and failed. Instead, I will hold fast to my Savior and trust that through the power of the Holy Spirit he will create in me a heart of love and patience and of mercy and kindness. 

Bye bye crazy Julie...